This blog is authored by our Chief Clinical Officer, Sonja Batten, Ph.D.
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Sometimes, our gut tells us something is wrong.
A friend seems distant. A loved one withdraws. A coworker isn’t quite themselves. We may not know exactly what’s going on, but we feel that quiet nudge — that something isn’t right.
When that moment comes, my advice is simple: ask the awkward question.
I know it’s not easy. Talking about suicide or mental health struggles can feel uncomfortable, even intimidating. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing, that we might offend someone, or that it’s “not our place.” But here’s the truth: asking is always better than living with regret. When your gut tells you something is wrong, it’s better to have an awkward conversation, and ask the questions, than to stay silent.
This concept of trusting your gut and having the conversation is something that I have shared at many events and conferences. Without fail, when I finish speaking I am approached by people who share heartbreaking stories of loss. One after another they share stories of friends and family members they’ve lost to suicide, and the guilt they still carry. So many people wish that they had asked the hard questions. It’s important to say this: it’s not their fault. If you are someone who has lost a loved one to suicide please hear me when I say: it is not your fault.
When someone we love dies by suicide, it’s natural to replay moments and wonder what we could have done differently. But suicide is complex, and one conversation alone can’t erase every risk factor or pain point. This is not to say that asking the question can always prevent a tragic outcome - it can’t. Still, a caring question can open a door to healing conversations and the first steps toward recovery, if the person chooses to be open to it in that moment. You can lay the groundwork for hope, safety, and connection.
So what does “asking the awkward question” look like in real life?
It can be as simple as:
“Hey, you’ve seemed a little off lately — how are you really doing?”
“With everything you’ve been dealing with, I just wanted to check in. Are you okay?”
Or, when you’re truly concerned: “I need to ask — have you had thoughts of ending your life?”
Then, pause. Let silence do its work. Listen without judgment.
You don’t have to fix everything; you just have to show that you care enough to ask and stay present.
At Stop Soldier Suicide, we know that connection saves lives. Each of us has the power to make that connection — to see the person in front of us, to care, and to speak up.
If someone in your life has withdrawn or changed, please — ask the awkward questions and know that in doing so, it could save a life.
And, if you or someone you love needs immediate support, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You are not alone, and help is always available.
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If you are a veteran or service member and need help, please visit our ROGER Wellness Service at GoRoger.org/Get-Help or call 833-697-6437 (833-MY-ROGER).